 |
 |
 |
|
I'm writing this column before the Sweet 16 games tipping off Thursday night, and I'm already terrified of the decision I've made. I'm giving the beaver pelt trader of the week to a Louisville fan message board -- for their obsessive search to track down a hot girl at last week's Birmingham tourney site. They named her "Birmingham stat-girl" and I received the link to this thread from three different people. All lawyers, by the way.
I wouldn't steer you astray, read the thread. Scroll through as the pursuit intensifies and I guarantee you'll be entertained as tons of guys attempt to nail down a picture of this girl. If women ever doubted whether men notice extremely hot women even from a huge distance and then continue talking about them for over a week, this thread should put that question to rest.
God bless the Internet. Should the mythical Birmingham stat girl wish to contact the column and step out of message board anonymity, feel free to e-mail us. Until then, congrats to the Louisville message board posters for nabbing a first, a beaver pelt trader of the week for such an entertaining and funny message board thread. I just hope I haven't jinxed my Vols. On to All That and a Bag of Mail.
Aaron Jahncke writes:
"I found this article about pink dolphins. Straight players these dolphins are, like I have always said the bling of sticks floating in the Amazon attracts the women. There is so much that we as humans can learn from these magnificent animals."
Best pink dolphin article ever? I think so. Reader links are en fuego this week, as you'll see below. Admit it, when I first started beating the drum for pink dolphin renown, y'all thought I was crazy. Then, slowly, y'all have come around on the pink dolphin and began to recognize that this is an animal that deserves a ton more attention than it gets. You go, pink dolphin player, you go.
Aubrey writes:
"Clay: Have you ever been to the Cyclorama in Atlanta? It's the kind of place that only history buffs can enjoy. Others find it kind of lame. I'm sure you would find it exhilarating. John Bell Hood is featured extensively.
Yes, I've been there. The only major Civil War sites I have yet to visit are all in Richmond, Va. I've been everywhere else. It's why I'm so popular with the ladies. My favorite sentences from the Wikipedia entry on the Atlanta Cyclorama: "The painting was sold and ended up in the hands of a traveling circus. When this circus came to Atlanta in the late 1800s, few Atlantans wished to see a Northern-biased painting that glorified the defeat that would lead to the destruction of their city. So, with little attendance, the circus went bankrupt, selling its assets including the painting and the animals." Nice move by the traveling circus. Maybe they needed to bring that elephant that was hung in Tennessee for killing a man to really drum up the crowd. Or have a painting of Chickamauga as well to balance out the victory/defeat angle.
Brock Lodge writes:
"I just read your account of your experience with this year's SEC tournament. Do you find it ironic that the game had been moved to Georgia Tech by an act of God and that the last shot by Arkansas was made by a guy who looked just like Jesus Christ and had 0 points in the game before that shot while you were sitting in a church? Ponder that."
Well, it's either ironic or terrifying. And I'm trending toward terrifying. What's going to happen now that I wrote my Easter column? I'm done for.
Joe Berry writes:
"It seems that Obama might get more votes from your fans now that Bill Richardson has endorsed him and Richardson is BGID."
Good point. Since it's unlikely that any of the major party presidential candidates are going to grow beards (Obama, McCain, or, god forbid, Hillary) I may have to extend my announced support for whichever candidate grows a beard to supporting any ticket that has a vice president who is BGID. So if Richardson is man enough to maintain his BGID status and Obama gets the nomination and selects him as a running mate, bang, they're getting my vote. Are there any Republican vice presidential candidates with beards? I don't think so. Basically, what I'm saying is, a beard would only be a bullet away. And that's closer than a beard has been to the presidency in a hundred years. That's progress.
Chris Combs writes:
"Clay, I saw this video of Pro Day at UK last week and immediately thought of you. Andre''s comments are toward the end of the video on this page, but they are perfect examples of the power of the beard. Andre''s BGID."
You know what? This is superb on Andre''s part. Let me be the first to extend a welcome to the BGID fraternity. The only thing that would have been better is if he'd gone ahead in the interview and announced that he was growing out the beard to make another run at the ClayNation beaver pelt trader of the year contest. Because, I'll tell you, Andre''s making a pretty strong case that he deserves to be nominated again. Great find. Particularly his rationale for the beard. Pure BGID. Well done, Andre', well done.
Dan writes:
"Clay, if bingo wings were an actual flavor wing, what would that flavor be? Perhaps Spicy-Teriyaki-Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie?"
Great try. But everyone knows they'd be Gator Tail-Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies. With real gator tail instead of white crème filling.
Zach Kimbrough writes:
"I don't know if you have thought about giving out a BGID award for impressive beards, but the student mascot from West Virginia had a very impressive one. It's at least noteworthy, even with no plans for the award."
That's why the Vegas line switched from favoring Xavier to favoring West Virginia. The power of the red beard, Leif Erikson style. True story: I called an entire house full of people to the television so they could all appreciate the Mountaineer mascot's beard. Also, I was driving down the road the other day and heard on the radio that the NCAA had an issue with screening the Mountaineer's gun so he could get courtside. Which, of course, was one of our mailbag questions a few weeks back. We're so prescient here.
Jim writes:
"I felt compelled to respond to your wedding advice to young Trent, the Arkansas fan (All That and a Bag of Mail of March 14). While your advice was salient and should prove useful in seeing the young man though this perilous time in his life, it was sadly shortsighted. While you successfully guided him through the minefield of the wedding, you should remind him of the following: "If you get married on 9/27/2008, YOUR ANNIVERSARY IS GOING TO BE ON 9/27 FOREVER! "For the uninitiated, I will explain. Your anniversary is an occasion when your wife will expect you to TURN OFF THE GAME AND TAKE HER TO A RESTAURANT WHICH, BEING PRETENTIOUS AND OVERPRICED, WILL NOT CONTAIN A SINGLE TELEVISION SET. "The Hogs are off this 9/27, but what about 2014? What if they schedule a Thursday game in 2012? Can you risk it, Trent? Dare you? "BGID since 2004."
This is a great point. I didn't even think about the anniversary angle. Probably because I'm fortunate enough not to have one of those wives who is a Nazi about anniversaries. At least not exact day anniversaries. I've never understood why some women are so crazy about this. But, you're correct, it's very likely that Trent is going to have an anniversary on the day of a big game at some point. What if his wife ends up being one of those wives that always wants to travel for a weekend on the anniversary too? Down goes three days. He'll be staying in some remote bed and breakfast in the Ozark mountains with one of those beds with canopies that guys even feel uncomfortable having sex on. And even if he wanted to watch the game the room won't have a television. By the way, I'm working on a theory that bed and breakfasts are the only places on earth where women are more comfortable having sex than men are. Every time I'm in one of these places, I think I'm staying at my grandparents' house. Yet women turn into sex machines. I don't get this at all. If you took your wife or girlfriend to your grandparents' house, would they not let you leave the bedroom? It seems likely. A female reader needs to explain the rationale behind this. Preferably Birmingham stat girl.
Brent writes:
"My grandparents had their 50th wedding anniversary about seven years ago. They are Catholic so we had to attend Mass first. Well, there was just one problem. It was during the UT/'Bama football game. Since we are not Catholic and we did not know what was going on, my dad, myself and my two brothers brought our handheld radios and sat in the back and listened to the game. My mom was quite embarrassed, and I was shocked we were not struck by lightning."
My wife's first question anytime we get invited to a wedding, "Are they Catholic?" She was raised Catholic and even Catholic people hate Catholic weddings because they take too long. Bold move, though, on radios in church. I took a radio to a Christmas performance of the Rockettes once. The Titans were playing and my mom was so disappointed in me. Because everyone knows that Rockette performances are so rife with complexity that you can't listen to something else while they're going on. I mean, they kick. All together. For two hours. You might get confused.
Rob writes:
"Clay, I know you ranked the girls of the SEC last year, what do you think of this guy's take on the top 50 universities by looks?
Do you really think I have time to scroll through 50 different pictures of hot college girls, scrutinize the pictures, weigh relative rankings, and give you my opinion? Of course I don't.
But if I did, obviously No. 11 Oregon, No. 28 North Carolina and No. 31 Vanderbilt would be grossly underrated. Every time I see an Oregon cheerleader on television, I pause the DVR. Also if the disgraced Louisville cheerleader were included, they'd be top 10 instead of No. 44. By the way is it just me or is "disgraced cheerleader" the greatest oxymoron in the English language?
Matt Graves writes:
"Surely someone has sent this to you, but if not, here you go. "I don't really think I need to say anything else ..."
A Facebook picture of Florida basketball players Jai Lucas, Chandler Parsons and Nick Calathes getting facials? There truly is a God.
I think this picture is the real reason why Billy Donovan kicked them out of the gym and said they aren't allowed to wear Gator gear. If this doesn't put you in the perfect mood for the weekend, you're a communist. Or a Gator fan. Those categories may not be mutually exclusive.