Hardy Vision: Stick these Fantasy audibles in your ear

I'm not the commissioner of the Smack Attack Football League, but I enjoy being its de facto entertainment coordinator.

For example, below is the track listing of the SAFL soundtrack CD I will mail to my fellow Fantasy general managers to get us geared up for another season of cutting-edge smack talk.

This mix of anthems is meant to convey the agony and ecstasy of the Fantasy football experience. With the right motivation, your smack talk can become as scathing as Howard Stern's, as opposed to a hissy fit from Get Fuzzy's Bucky Katt.

Sorry if the selections are a little old-school for some tastes. Feel free to raid your own play lists to create chart toppers for your league. Individual results may vary.

Now, as Casey Kasem would say ... on with the countdown!

1. Sayin' It and Doin' It by James Brown. Who better than the Godfather of Soul to precisely lay down the Smack Attack mission statement: "Sayin' it and doin' it/Are two different things/There's just as much difference in night and day." Such a shame J.B. is no longer with us -- we'd have loved to have invited him to our draft party.

Edwin Starr (Provided to SportsLine)

2. Big Papa by Edwin Starr. Not to be confused with The Notorious B.I.G.'s Big Poppa. The key to being a successful Fantasy football general manager is swagger. And nothing says swagger like this blaxploitation gem from Edwin War, War, What is it Good For? Starr that I found on the soundtrack BaadAsssss Cinema: The Sounds of Blaxploitation . (The liner notes, in fact, refer to the song as "unearthed gold."). This is the type of song that characters in a Tarantino movie could run a victory lap to. This song is so obscure I couldn't find its lyrics on a Google search. But with lines like, Big Papa, who's gonna stop ya?, ya know someone's gonna get his ass kicked. If my list compels you to find one song you've never heard of before, let it be this one.

3. Theme from Monday Night Football. Aside from its iconic status, this is a masterpiece of genre mixing. We all know how it starts with horns and drums. "Da-da-da-da DAH! Bum-bum bum! Da-da-da-da DAAHH!!!" Then at the 18-second mark, a thumping bass line takes over. Very '70s, very smooth. At the 25-second mark a little high hat action is thrown in the mix. Then what's that sneaking in at the 55-second mark? A soaring string section? What's going on?! The ensuing drum solos more than punctuate the action -- they make you feel as though you're absorbing hits from the defensive line as you take the handoff up the middle. If this doesn't get you fired up, you are clearly not smack-worthy material.

Alabama 3 (Provided to SportsLine)

4. Woke Up This Morning (Chosen One Mix) by Alabama 3. Sure, Tony Soprano's theme song is a great motivator to inflate your ego as the world's greatest Fantasy GM/mafia boss. But speaking as a guy who works in the sports media business, this song conjures the feeling of listening to NFL games on the radio down half-empty Sunday afternoon interstates while driving to the office with the same laser focus that Tony has on the New Jersey Turnpike. All the while, you're trying to mentally keep tabs on your running tally of Fantasy stats. Are you the whacker or the whackee?

5. Kill Missy. This is a mash-up of Missy Elliot's Work It with Battle Without Honor or Humanity (e.g., the guitar riff everyone walks to in slo-mo from Kill Bill). This sends a clear smack message that you're ready to wipe everyone out with a samurai sword while reciting lyrics that cross the line from sexually explicit to T.M.I.

6. Theme from Mission: Impossible by U2's Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr. There are some weeks when your studs are injured or on bye weeks, and you're going up against a team with Peyton Manning, LaDainian Tomlinson, Chad Johnson and the Baltimore defense. Is there a way your benchwarmers can have the game of their lives while the other guy's studs post bupkis? It happens once or twice every year.

Queen (Provided to SportsLine)

7. Another One Bites the Dust by Queen, featuring Pras Michel and Wyclef Jean. When I found this mash-up on the three-CD Queen Platinum Collection, I thought it was pretty ballsy. This song sends the message to your competitor that he's about to be planted six feet under. But when I looked up the video on YouTube to share the vibe with you loyal readers, I was aghast to find that the images completely undermine any sense of ass-kickery. Wyclef is a security guard for a wax museum exhibit of Freddie Mercury? Abort! Abort!

8. The Joker by Fatboy Slim. Underappreciated remake of the Steve Miller classic. The most annoying thing about being at an NFL game is management's insistence in pumping overplayed pop music to the crowd practically until the snap. What, we have to be entertained every solitary second or we'll hurl ourselves off the top of the stadium? If they want to pump in something crazy-whack funky, try this.

9. I'm Alright by Kenny Loggins. The immortal theme from Caddyshack sends the perfect message of your zen-like tranquility as your status as an underdog. Has anyone ever noticed that this song kinda sounds like a trippy Beach Boys song in places? Anyway, it also proves you're ready to quote even the most obscure line of movie dialogue. How do you compare yourself to other Fantasy football players? By height ...

Barenaked Ladies (Provided to SportsLine)

10. Celebrity by Barenaked Ladies. Don't call me a zero/I'm gonna be a hero/Like Phil Esposito or the Kennedys ... Fantasy football isn't just about the stats, highlights, the numbers crunching. In many ways, who you pick boils down to a big popularity contest. When I'm riding in my limo/I won't look out the window/Might make me homesick for humanity. Admit it: We're all looking for the red carpet treatment afforded to T.O. and Clinton Portis. By the way, where's my limo?

11. Put on Your Sh*t Kickers by House of Pain. The ultimate game-time, put your foot down (so to speak) call to arms. Hooliganism in its purist form!

12. Theme from Knight Rider. This instrumental interlude is provided as a public service, so you can practice your freestyle skills. You're welcome.

13. "Doing Dumb Sh*t by Ice Cube. Buried in Cube's angry, chilling Death Certificate album is this raunchy -- yet somehow almost innocent -- ode to childhood delinquency. Here, the song stands for all the preventable ways you sink your team. Sometimes you forget to update your lineup. Sometimes you play the wrong hunch of who to start. Sometimes you use a third-round draft pick to select Chad Jackson instead of Chad Johnson (that would be me last year). Life goes on -- even when you're a moron.

Spinal Tap (Provided to SportsLine)

14. Gimme Some Money by Spinal Tap. This is from the segment of This is Spinal Tap that explains that these '80s metalheads used to be a peppy pop band in the '60s called The Thamesmen. However, it fits perfectly with the bottom line of Fantasy football. Pay me, bitch! But just a few weeks ago, my jaw dropped when I saw a TV commercial for a financial institution that used a cover version of this song. A person who put the clip on YouTube notes that whatever agency made the commercial did so "apparently without any sense of irony." One of the message board posters laments, "Dang. Even the fake '60s bands are selling out!" Sad, sad, sad.

15. Guess Things Happen That Way by Johnny Cash. This is in honor of the fact that the SAFL payout structure mandates a weekly "Johnny Cash Award" -- a $5 bounty for the team that racks up the week's overall highest score. Also, it's a philosophical shrug of the shoulders to all those things you never can control: Despite your best, sure-fire planning, you succumb to season-ending injuries in Week 4; when the real-life starter gets pulled from the lineup at noon Sunday; the week when you score 150 points, but your opponent scores 152. As the Man in Black notes, "I don't like it, but I guess things happen that way."

16. Home Sweet Home by Motley Crue. It's a fact of Fantasy football life that the yearly matchup schedule has to be broken down into home teams and visiting teams. Yet there is no such thing as a Fantasy home-field advantage. If there were, this would be the perfect theme song. At any rate, if at the end of the season you've won the league, here's hoping your payout is large enough that you can party like you're Tommy Lee.