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Tiger Woods branded products

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following excerpts are from a sports almanac published in 2057 that chronicles topics from the past 60 years. Look for it in five decades from the shelves of Wal-TargetMart for $199.99.

Tiger Woods not only enjoyed sustained and untouchable championship-level success on the PGA Tour and NASCAR circuit, he has enjoyed a lucrative career endorsing food products. Here is a sampling of his branding smorgasbord:

2007: Announces partnership with Gatorade to produce "Gatorade Tiger Thirst Quencher." Flavors formulated by Tiger Woods include Red Drive (cherry and citrus flavors), Cool Fusion (key lime and lemonade) and Quiet Storm ("refreshingly focused blend of grape flavors"). During his off weeks on the tour, Woods is contractually obligated to sell paper cups full of these drinks for a quarter each from a hand-built stand he sets up on the front lawn of his mansion.

2008: Inspired by the child care he provides for his daughter Sam Alexis, Woods partners with Gerber for a line of baby foods. Flavors formulated by Tiger Woods include Putt-Putt Pears, Minigolf Mango and Tap-in Tapioca. The line does not sell well at first, due to Internet rumors that the food's consistency had to be matched to the food Tiger pre-chews before he spits it out for her. Woods vehemently denies that he engages in any such practice. It's the nanny who pre-chews Sam's food.

2010: The downward spiral of the U.S. economy takes a heavy toll on sports marketing. A record recession means that the typical American does not identify with the luxury lifestyle of PGA Tour golfers. In order to bridge the gap with the average fan, Woods enters a partnership with Hormel foods to launch "TigerSpam!" -- a sports-inspired flavor of the Spam meat product that is the No. 1-selling food product in the ravaged economy. While the marketing tagline is a hit: "The one thing Tiger loves to slice!", the secret ingredient in the flavor formulated by Tiger Woods remains unknown to this day.

2012: When Tiger Woods expresses interest at The Masters in becoming a spokesman for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes cereal, longtime mascot Tony the Tiger vows he will never give up his post. That summer, Tony is one of a dozen cereal mascots who resign in disgrace when it is revealed that for decades they had solicited women in a high-priced call girl ring -- the so-called "Breakfast Club VIPs." Woods' cartoon image continues to represent the Frosted Flakes box to this day (Flavors formulated by Tiger Woods include three times the recommended daily dose of sugar).

2013: The British Open is the perfect time to introduce Tiger Chai Tea. The lucrative opportunity is not so much his line of beverages (flavors formulated by Tiger Woods include Lemon Wedge, Raspberry Rough and Attack the Greens Green Tea) but the patented iced-tea dispenser that easily fits into golf bags for a refreshing charge on the course.

2016: Dunkin' Donuts and Krispy Kreme engage in multimillion-dollar bidding war for rights to bearclaw-style donuts dubbed "Tiger Claws" (flavors formulated by Tiger Woods include Sand Trap Cinnamon and Chocolate Sweet Spot). At the last minute, the bidding is won by Canadian donut king Tim Horton. This is the beginning of its bid to take over corporate sponsorship of the PGA Tour -- as a way to distance itself from the fading National Hockey League.

2018: Thanksgiving dinner now means Pilgrims, turkey ... and Tiger Woods. Woods and Nike successfully revive the concept of the Nike Turkey Pump. The product line was first introduced by Chris Rock in the early 1990s in conjunction with the craze for basketball shoes that featured an "internal inflation mechanism." Turkey flavors formulated by Tiger Woods include Roasted Garlic Butter Golf Balls.

2021: Woods announces that he is retiring from competitive golf to concentrate on what he now says has been his No. 1 ambition all along -- to be a stock car racer. (It turns out all his golf carts have always had restrictor plates). In order to fit in with the NASCAR fan base, Woods offers food and flavor selections in line with their snacking tastes: Potato Skins Game BBQ Chips, Double Bogey Pork Rinds, Green Jacket Beef Jerky and Water Hazard Moonshine.

2029: Woods resigns from stock car racing. In honor of no longer having to maintain an impressive physique, Woods launches his own line of deserts at The Cheesecake Factory. Cheesecake flavors formulated by Tiger Woods include Amen Corner Angel Food, Blueberry Birdie and Shotgun Start Strawberry.