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SAN FRANCISCO (Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) -- Beleaguered San Francisco Giants ace Barry Zito has never struggled this much in any season in the big leagues. Off to a 0-6 start with an abysmal 7.53 ERA, Zito was recently sent to the bullpen prompting him to trade himself yesterday from his own fantasy baseball team.
"I just had to make the move. I was getting my ass handed to me. I mean, 0-6 in April?" said the former Cy Young Award winner. "I called a few of my buddies, and I finally got one of them to bite in a trade, but I had to throw in David Wright. I'm telling you, fantasy guys are tougher than the real thing."
Fantasy baseball is played by millions of baseball fans worldwide and is a multimillion dollar business. Zito is one of several major leaguers to play in fantasy leagues, but considers himself a bit of a novice.
"Yeah, so much of it is luck and knowing how to spend," added Zito. "But even someone who just started playing can see moving me is the wise choice. I really bite the big one right now. Maybe I need a little time in the minors, riding in buses, staying in flea bag motels, and getting in bar fights to get my head straight."
Zito has been experiencing a bit of what fantasy experts call "lost identity."
"You see it with big leaguers who actually play in the fantasy leagues," said fantasy guru Larry Plotnick. "They trade themselves, and they lose touch with who they are. Sadly, in some instances, their families are the real victims. Jim Edmonds traded himself three times last year and wound up paying alimony to four different women."
"Even if it's a fantasy league, a veteran like Edmonds should know better," said Marvin Michaels, an attorney who represented Anna Topper, a Florida-based exotic dancer to whom Edmonds was wed for three weeks before he traded himself to the California Angels and proposed to a nail technician from Anaheim. "The rules still apply: Just because you traded yourself to a new team in a new city doesn't mean you get to trade your old wife for a new one. Wouldn't that be convenient? What about guys like me who've been stuck with this bum since the season started? Unlike Edmonds I can't blink my eyes three times and wind up with a new team and a new wife. Look, we all have fantasies -- mine is to play centerfield for the St. Louis Cardinals alongside Jenna Jameson in right on a field covered in high thread count satin sheets. But unlike Edmonds I know not to take liberties with my fantasies -- because you will pay a price. I should know, as Ms. Jameson charges a fortune."
Zito made the trade with college buddy Cameron Kane. "I thought having Barry on my team was a bit of a conflict of interests," said Kane. "I wanted to maintain our friendship, and not put the pressure of a bad start on him. But when I knew I could get David Wright, I figured all bets where off -- in a manner of speaking. Getting Wright was the key. And who knows? Barry might earn me a couple of points in middle relief."
"It's kind of weird," added Zito. "I'm still on the Giants, but I also play on Cam's fantasy team. I'm not sure where my loyalty rests. Cam even went so far as to outfit me with a cap and warm up jersey with his logo on it, which quite frankly, I don't care much for. It's like being in that Superman Bizarro World."
Meanwhile, since the trade, Zito says a ghost-like figure named Fantasy Barry has appeared twice in his home.
"He looked just like me and claimed I stole his weed," said Zito. "Then he opened my refrigerator and ate some leftover Chinese food. Two hours later he showed up and asked if I wanted to go surfing with two dudes named Harley and Slam. Holy crap! I'm sporting a seven plus ERA, I've got my own evil twin -- and it's only May!"
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